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March 6th 2009March 6th 1986 Dan was sitting three seats down from me in class today. During break, he rarely talked to me. We stood outside of the classroom and he talked to the other classmates. I stood next to him and on occasion I’d smile pretending that I was interested in their conversation. He was somewhat ignoring me today. I pretended that it didn’t bother me but deep down it did. He hasn’t called me since we were together so I really don’t know where I stand with him. I’m confused. Why hasn’t he called me? Didn’t he find me attractive? Did I do something wrong? I see him as a soul mate but I don‘t think he feels the same. I would never tell him my spiritual beliefs because I believe he wouldn’t understand. After class, we walked to the parking lot. “So how do you feel about the other night.” he was referring to the night that we spent making love. “I feel fine. I love being with you although I am still a little uncertain about our relationship.” I smiled and he hugged me. We were standing next to his car. “Is anyone coming to pick you up?” I shook my head. I had told my parents that Lola’s sister was going to take me home. It was somewhat risky because there could be a chance that Dan may not want to take me home. I would then have to call my parents and they would have to come and pick me up. What explaination will I have then? On the way home we talked. “While we were in class, you didn’t talk to me very much or during break. I kind of felt-- “Don’t be silly. I like you. I think you’re hot.” He leaned over and kissed me. Then he changed the subject. I let out a sigh. I can’t help but to see that maybe I made a mistake. Is he using me? I hope I didn’t make the wrong choice in picking him as my first. Deep down inside I know he was meant to be in my life. For how long that remains to be seen. If later in the relationship he changes his mind about me and chooses to dump me I don’t think I can bear the rejection! It breaks my heart that he is in the same class and I can’t touch him. I want to be with him, sitting next to him all the time. I need his touch, his embrace I want to feel his lips on mine. I want him to make love to me repeatedly. I want him to want me. I suppose I’m being selfish and foolish. Sometimes I catch him talking to another woman. She has blond hair, tall and thin. I can’t stand her! Maybe I should call him more often to let him know that I am still interested. He might think that I don't want to be his girlfriend anymore if I'm not keeping in touch. But I don’t want to impose and give him the impression that I’m clingy. I guess the truth of the matter is I'm afraid that if I call he will have another woman in his apartment and that would be very humiliating for me. I would be crushed, devastated if I heard another woman with him! I wish that he would see that I am his soul mate. We belong together. When I got home I went inside. It was 9:30pm. May parents were in the kitchen. “Cessy are you home?” mom asked.“Yeah mom.” “Who brought you home?” “I told you that Lola’s sister was going to drive me home from class.” “Are you sure it wasn’t that man that brought you home the other day?” She was giving me that “I don’t believe ‘you look.’ She must know something. She’s got that suspicious look in her eyes. How does she know? I haven’t told anyone. Not even Monica and Monica would not tell my mom even if I did tell her. She never calls anymore. “You know what? I know you had sex with that man and I want you to stop seeing him! Break up with him. He’s too old for you anyways.” “How do you know that I had sex? There is only one way you could have found out. You read my journal didn‘t you! How dare you!” “Look you shouldn’t have had sex with that man! Who the Hell is going to want you now? Every man wants a woman who is a virgin. No man wants a used up whore. No man will respect you now.” “For your information I don’t go around telling everyone my personal life. Do you honestly think I am going to tell every man I date that I’m not a virgin anymore? That’s insane. As for you, what were you doing reading my journal? Don’t you think that you are doing what you did to Marianne? Remember that you told me. You’re doing the same damn thing!” Several years ago during a conversation about her sister Marianne, mom told me that when she and her sister were teens Marianne had a diary and that my mom read it one time. Marianne got angry because my mom was reading her diary. She shouldn’t have told me she did that because now I am using it to fire back at her. My mom is very intrusive and bossy. I don’t know if I will ever forgive her for reading my journal. “You shut up! I told your dad what you did and he’s very upset.” My dad was in the kitchen eating something. He heard us. Mom loves to drive the stake further in by including other family members. She likes drama. God that woman is such a big mouth. What is wrong with her? What happened should have been kept between us, two women. My dad doesn’t need to know. It was none of his business anyways! If I ever have a daughter, I would never do what she did! She has always distrusted me. When my brother had something to hide she wouldn‘t tell my dad about it. She would cover for him. She would never blab her mouth. She refuses to keep my secret. She is such a bitch! “Qué está equivocado con usted? Está usted loco? Está usted como Amelia? Teniendo relaciones sexuales con cada hombre? Ella hizo la misma cosa". (“What’s wrong with you? Are you crazy? Are you like Amelia? Having sex with every man? She did the same thing before she got married to Arnulfo.”) My dad said. “You know what? I don’t care what your sister did that disgraced her some much in your eyes. I don’t care what she did when she was young before she got married, that is none of my business. I am an adult and have been since I turned 18.” “Are you saying you have been having sex since you were 18?” My mom remarked further fueling the flames of anger and resentment. I turned to my mom. “Boy I can’t believe this. You never trusted me did you? You cannot believe that I held out that long. I’m not like Vicky and Rozzanna you know. At least you should be happy that I waited until I was 21 to have sex!” I was really pissed off. I can't believe she read my journal. I wonder how many times she has done that.“No one will respect you and they shouldn’t, not anymore!” my mom said. My brother came downstairs because he overheard our argument. “Cessy, you’re a slut now. You’re stupid.” “What did you say? How dare you call me that! You’re the one who has put mom through more stress in the past two years then what I have ever done.?” He frowned and went back upstairs. Obviously, I hit a nerve. Good. “Cessy you shut up. You don’t know what you are talking about. Right now you are the one upsetting me and I am not suppose to get upset remember. I have diabetes.” mom said. “Va a su cuarto. Yo no quiero ver su la pone boca para abajo para el resto de la noche". ("Go to your room. I don't want to see your face down her for the rest of the night.") “Well, it’s after nine and it’s time I go to bed anyways.” I marched upstairs, upset. I have a phone in my room and I called Lola and told her what had happen. She was still awake watching TV. She agrees that my mom shouldn’t have read my journal. “Stuff like that is private. Why would she do that?” she said. Lola advised me to hide my journal somewhere. She thinks it’s ridiculous that my parents treat me like if I was fifteen years old. “I don’t think I should tell Dan about all this. I don’t want him to think I am immature. He may not want to see me anymore.” I told her.
(Note from author: My mom never got rid of old habits from when she was a kid. She liked reading other people's journals. Although I believe that was the last time she ever read my journal. I hid my journal until I bought a safe. As for my brother, it's true he did put mom through more stress the years before with his partying, drinking and staying out at all hours of the night. I very seldom ever partied like he did when I was his age.)
March 8th 1986Dan called me in the evening around eight thirty. Mom didn’t know that I was talking to him on the phone upstairs. She thought it was Lola. She is still upset. I swear she’s always so nosy! She seems to want to control everyone’s life! She told me a couple of days ago that she was going to change our phone number so that Dan wouldn’t be calling me. “Oh really? You know what that really sounds stupid. You‘re trying to control who I talk to on the phone? Good God! I‘m not a kid anymore!” I told her sarcastically. I seriously need to get a separate phone line. She can’t say anything if I do that. She never had problems with my brother’s friends calling and lasting hours on the phone. She is such a bitch. I cannot believe her! Well, Dan and I talked about the night we had sex. “Do you want to be with me again?” “Yes I can’t wait babe. I miss you very much. Do you miss me?” “Of course I do.” he said. “Do you wish you were lying here beside me? I want you beside me right now babe.” He started describing what he was going to do to me the next time we got together. What he was telling me was so hot! “I can’t wait. Dan I--well never mind. I hope we’ll get together again soon.” I wanted to tell him that I love him and that we belong together because I believe we are soul mates. “We will. I’ll talk to you in class. I have been busy with work so that is why I haven’t called you as often as I would like. I hope that doesn’t blow you off?” “No of course not.” I’ll see you in class next week, bye.” Last week in class, he seemed a bit distant. I think he sees sex as an everyday thing but I don‘t. I think it is magical, invigorating and spiritual. Sitting a few seats away from him is painful. Watching him talk to another woman is painful and I don’t think it’s fair! Why is it that every time I am interested in someone some other woman comes along to mess things up for me! I hope he is thinking of me and not her. Maybe I am seeing too much into something that isn’t there. He is so cute, athletically built that I know there is no way he couldn't have another woman. Isn’t that how adult relationships really are? Casual sex with multiple partners. I don’t want him to see me as a casual sex partner though. I don’t want to marry him either not any time soon. Does he even care? I guess I’m letting my fears get the best of me. I am being silly. In 1986 I probably would have dedicated this song to Dan: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBqU8FOE0ukMarch 11th 1986 Dan came to my class while Lola and I were doing our math problems on the computer. He doesn’t have that particular class, infact he and I have only one class together and that is Geology. He didn’t call me yesterday so I was hurt by that. I don’t know whether I should be calling him more often. He doesn’t call me every day. If I call him I’m afraid that he will not be home or that he might not be alone. If I heard another woman in his apartment I would be devastated! I will make an effort to call him tomorrow. I’ll push my fears to one side and do it. “Hey there’s your boyfriend.” Lola said as Dan came toward us. “I’m telling you he’s too old for you Celia. There’s something not right about him.” I nudged her to keep quiet. “Hush, he’s coming and no he’s not too old for me.” She shook her head. “I’m going to go on break with him. Don’t miss me too much.” I told her. She smiled. I finished up my work while Dan stood behind me waiting. Then we went on break. “Babe I decided to switch to the graveyard shift. I’ll be able to get more sleep and maybe we can get together more often. I won‘t be so tired.” “I do--a lot.” We sat close to each other and he put his arm around me. He whispered in my ear. He was telling me what he wants to do next time we get together. “People do that?” He was talking about anal sex. Of course, I knew what he was talking about except I didn’t want him to know that. I only know about anal sex because I have seen it performed in an adult x-rated movie back in 1984. I was changing the channels on the cable TV and I came across an adult channel. No one was home so I watched a small fraction of the movie. The couple in the movie were having sex. I always thought that anal sex was performed in x-rated movies but apparently I was wrong. Anal sex is something I wouldn’t try. It’s too scary. “Do you believe in soul mates?" I changed the subject. He looked at me and chuckled. “You’re not one of those ‘people’ that are into the New Age stuff are you? I hope not.” The look on his face told me that I had better say no. He might think I’m weird and in the process I might loss him, he‘ll dump me. I don‘t want to scare him off. “Um, I was just curious that’s why I asked you.” “You’re being silly. I like you. I think you have a cute body and I can’t wait to get together again with you.” He walked me back to class. Lola’s sister was going to pick her up so I drove home alone. I’m finally am driving! March 26th 1986 On Saturday over the weekend, Dan called me. He set up a time and day for me to come to his apartment. I told him that my parents take the cars to work in the morning. I had an idea though. I told him that I would have my cousin drop me off at his place around ten in the morning. So today I asked my cousin Junior to take me on his Vespa to Anaheim to where Dan lives. Junior was asking questions. “Dan is my boyfriend. He wants me to come over to his place today.” I didn’t want to give too much information because it was none of his business. “Hey do you want me to wait here?” I shook my head. “He’ll take me home.” Junior took off. He was going to go see Lara his girlfriend. I walked up the stairs to Dan’s apartment. I thought about how it felt like having sex with him. I remember how painful it was the last time we had sex. An insecure thought circled in my head. “I wonder if he will get tired of me.” I sighed and knocked on the door. “Come in.” I walked in and saw him on his bed playing with a deck of cards. “I didn‘t know you played poker?” He smiled and walked toward me. He was wearing a pair of powder blue cotton pajamas, with no shirt. He looks so sexy athletic. I could see through his pajamas and he wasn’t wearing underwear. He already had an erection! He gave me a hug and then locked the door behind me. “You know I was wondering where I stand with you. What kind of relationship am I in?” “We are friends, sexual partners. That’s good enough isn’t it? Besides you don‘t want to be tied down right now. ” He hugged me but I gently pushed him away thinking that the answer he gave me wasn't what I expected. I just didn't feel it. “Don’t push me away.” He said, sternly. He grabbed my wrist and pulled me toward him. He held me in his arms. His embrace made me feel secure and I melted in his arms. “ Take off your clothes.” He whispered in my ear passionately. I wore my black mini dress and I wrapped a thick white belt around my size 26 inch waist. He slipped his hand under my dress and tried to pull my panties down.
(My mini dress was styled the same as this roper. I wore a thick white belt with it.) “Wait. So is it okay to just have sex and not be in love.” I asked. He sighed as if he was getting bored with the conversation. He clearly didn’t want to talk. “You have a beautiful body I want to see it, honey.” I want to be with him but I’m afraid that instead of feeling pleasure I will still feel pain. I’m still a little sore from the first time. I can’t figure why. I suppose that he is too 'large' for me. A part of me wanted to leave because I was a little afraid of the pain but in the other hand I didn’t want to lose him. He is and will be the first boyfriend that I ever went all the way with. Like if I REALLY had very many boyfriends to begin with. At this point in my life I have to be more adult about relationships. Unfortunately, I don’t have a ride home and if I pissed him off by refusing to have sex with him, then there is a possibility that he would not take me home. I’ll have to walk home. Walking from Anaheim to Santa Ana is a bitch and very embarrassing! “Come here.” We walked to his bed. He slipped my dress off. I took off my panties and slipped my sandals off. “You look beautiful. I like your butt.” With his two hands he grabbed my behind, squeezing my bottom. I have always hated that part of my body. All the other women have flat butts. I don’t know why he finds it beautiful. For years I’ve tried to shrink it. “I don’t like my butt. I’d rather lose some weight there.” “Why? You don’t have to. I think you’re beautiful.” He kissed me and playfully pushed me onto the bed. The window was open a bit and the nice spring breeze blew through it. “I missed you babe.” “I missed you too.” When he penetrated me I still felt the pain. At one point he made me mount him and it was very hard to pump on top of him. He was a bit rough! “Babe let‘s try something different.” I was worried that he wanted to have anal sex and I would have to refuse. If I did what would happen. I got off of him and we walked to the kitchen table. “Get on.” He said. We didn’t on the table. I let out a scream because it was still uncomfortable. “Oh baby I love when you scream you are so beautiful.” the table shook with the force of his thrust. He lifted me and carried me to his bed. We had sex again, doggy style I believe it’s what it’s called. Afterwards we lay snuggled together. “I love you.” I blurted out. I was such an idiot. I’m going to scare him off! He chuckled. “You don’t love me.” he hugged me. “I believe we are soul mates. I believe we are meant to be together. Don’t you?” I said.“Don’t be silly. You really crack me up.” He held me in his arms. “I hope I didn’t disappoint you. I still feel pain from the first time that we had sex.” He smiled. “I want to try something else if you don’t mind.” Apparently, he didn’t hear me because he wanted to have sex in the bathroom! “Come here baby.” I could barely walk but I didn’t want him to know. I didn’t want him to know he was hurting me otherwise he might decide not to see my anymore. “Have you ever had anal sex?” I shook my head. “Do you want to try it?” I shook my head. “Maybe I should stick to the usual for now, okay?” I told him. I think that response bothered him a bit. Perhaps he’s beginning to think I’m boring. I wouldn’t blame him. I suppose some woman might do something like that but not me. Refusing his suggestion was not a good thing. “Okay fine. I guess I’ll be taking you home soon then.” He looked at me as though hoping I would change my mind. “I guess so.” I responded. I was hoping to spend more time with him, talking and getting to know him better. I consider him my boyfriend but something tells me that he doesn’t see me as his girlfriend. I’m just a ‘playmate’. What can I do to change his heart? I sighed, “I am sorry Dan. I hope I didn’t disappoint you.” He kissed me passionately. When we were on the bed he asked me to perform oral sex on him. I have never done that before but I have heard about it. My cousins and other gossipy women from the place that I worked at mentioned it once before. When I was done he said; “God that was so good babe. Are you sure you have never done that before?” “Of course not. I have never given a man a ‘blowjob’ before?” I said.“You’re lips are so beautiful. I love feeling them on me.” We lay in bed for a while. It was close to two o’ clock when we both got dressed. I looked in my purse and realized that I had forgotten my house key. When I went to the bathroom to freshen up I saw that I was bleeding a bit too. Shit! I didn’t bring a tampon so I felt embarrassed. “Yeah so what. I can understand about that after all she wasn’t an adult. I am. I’m 21 and I’ll be 22 this summer. Besides other then you the only other person that knows is Lola, a friend from college. She is in one of my classes. She doesn’t think it is a taboo to have sex you know.” “I didn’t know you were 21. I thought you were my age.” How can she not know? We have been friends since the sixth grade. I thought she knew I was three years older then her. Infact, she should know that I was never one of those teen TRAMPS as some of the popular girls were. We were both in the same boat. We were unpopular, unattractive and had no boyfriends until now. I didn’t like how she was acting or what she is implying! Her attitude has changed a lot since she met her boyfriend! She is being judgmental toward me. I find it irritating and unfair! I also sense that her boyfriend doesn’t like me much either. I don’t feel welcomed at her house anymore. She is being a Miss Purity bitch. I didn‘t tell her that though. “I’m sorry but you’re going to have to leave.” She said. What a bitch! How dare she do this to me? How dare she talk to me like that! She must think that I’m going to have sex with her boyfriend or steal him away from her. Yeah right! He is so ugly. His face has acne scares allover. I would never be interested in him. I am not that desperate and never will be! Tension is brewing between us and it’s not good. “So you want me to leave? Wow.” I said sarcastically. “Fine whatever.” I turned my nose up at her. How dare she act better then me! |
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Good God how could I be so stupid? How could I have forgotten my key? I didn’t tell him that I had forgotten my key so after he dropped me off at my house I waited until he turned the corner of the street and I started walking to Monica’s house. The best I could do is get a tampon from her. It’s been a while since I spoke to her and I think she’ll be surprise to see me. I don’t have to stay that long at her house because it was almost three thirty and my dad would be home from work. He will have the garage door opened. If he asks where I‘ve been, I will tell him I went to see Monica. All I have to do is wait long enough. I lucked out because Monica’s boyfriend Arnold was at her house. He has his own car and I can get a ride from them to my house later. “Hey, how have you’ve been?” I said as she let me in. I sensed that she didn’t want me there. There was something wrong. She really resented my presences there! She briefly introduced me to her boyfriend and we went upstairs to talk. I told her about Dan. 